Things that make babies smile! Jack Johnson ❤️ Our precious baby! Charlotte Jean Catharina ❤️❤️
March 17, 2012, I woke up and got ready for what I thought would be another first date for the chapter on dating as I knew and experienced it.
My reversal went well, my tubes passed the dye test and I’m good to start trying after my next period.. which is due in about a week. My biggest obstacle will be my age.. 38. Many are downright dismissive when I say that, not realizing we have hard evidence that hormonally I’m on the down turn. My bloodwork has indicated that & we are very aware of where it puts us. We are also very trusting that what is willed and meant to be, will be. So in the meantime.. we have fun trying!
First up though, in 9 days, is our wedding 🍀💚! A St Patrick’s day affair 😍, on our 3 year anniversary of meeting! The day our luck forever changed in love 😊
My desire to have more children led me to be a surrogate and an egg donor. It also led me to contemplate single choice motherhood. I ultimately decided against that, because as I had my consult for a reversal I met my soon to be husband. It was obvious after a few months that we were to be true partners in life. That was not something I wished to put aside for a third child. I chose to put it in back burner and to hope that maybe we could have a child in the future. He has no children. He is the man that you can give a crying baby to and they will calm. He’s the man that everyone assumed would be a dad, and a great one at that. I’m so hoping that we can have that. On Wednesday I’m having my tubal reversal, and then we start trying :D.
We are both of the belief that what we have is beautiful and a child is another blessing on top. If we aren’t blessed with a child, we will be disappointed but accepting of that it was not willed to be. I’m 38, and we are giving it 2 years of trying 😉 after that it’s time to move into middle age? And empty nest? At that point my daughters will be 17&19! So almost empty.. Yikes!
Two years to see what happens!
This song has long been a favourite of mine. It speaks to me and my feeling on how we are all fragile and flawed, and the writer faces this head on.
It seems as though he’s writing/singing of cheating.. definitely lying.. and certainly not who he wants to be. Or what he wanted to be.
I’ve never been cheated on and I’ve never cheated. But at 38, it’s all around me. All around. My best friend has cheated, and is now on her own dating and rebuilding a love life. The song strikes me as very close to her truth. Things she has expressed. I love her and hope with everything in me she can love again and be true to that.
I had read about this local woman while I was pregnant with my second daughter, and immediately was hit by a ‘I could do that!’ My friend thought I was nuts! I think I could understand the deep desire to be a mother. I had had it my whole life. If I couldn’t conceive I knew I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to be a mom. Including surrogacy. I got it, and felt immediate kinship, and that I could do it. Of course being pregnant meant I wasn’t ready at that time. But the seed was planted.
Over the years I had considered it, but it was never the right timing. One reason or another. Then one night when I was 31, single, and in a good place, I read a magazine article and it renewed my interest, and I began looking into it, researching the legalities, who helps you match etc. In a few short months I was matched and on my way into a journey that was so special and amazing to be a part of.
I was a great candidate for it, with great gyno history, uncomplicated pregnancies etc. First transfer and we were growing a baby!!
It was such an interesting and exciting thing to be a part of, and one which I’m so proud and thankful to have been part of. The parents were there every step of the way, ultrasounds etc. Their baby girl was born a week before the Christmas of 2008. It was a seamless transition for all, I had no emotional attachment issues. I very much felt like I was returning their baby to them, after being entrusted to my care & responsibility to grow for 9 months. I’m very black & white emotion wise, making me a great candidate for this.
Life resumed fairly fast, and I was back to life as I knew it before. However the agency I worked with approached me to be an egg donor for a couple. I was past the best age for it, but I was flagged by the agency for a few reasons. First, I was very gay friendly, and was happy to help a couple create their family. Two, I was that black and white emotional approach, they felt I’d be able to give my eggs and not have residual issues. And lastly, I was ok with a known donor situation. If the resulting life at any point wanted to meet me, their genetic mother, I was open to that.
So began a relationship with two dads, and the journey their family being created. I donated my eggs, and their surrogate grew their boy/girl set of twins. Such an amazing thing to be a part of and watch.
Not long after I was approached to be a donor again, by the clinic. They had a mom who was older and had no more eggs. Who looked VERY similar to me. Introductions were made over email, and so began another journey in family building. The mom was soon pregnant with a boy/girl set of twins. This family did not tell anyone they were using donor eggs, and she carried her twins, as her own. And truly they are hers, grown, and loved into existence by her and her husband.
Part of my story, the surrogacy & egg donations. A part that I could keep private, but I think it’s an important part. It speaks to part of WHO I am.
I was that little girl that walked around with a baby on my non existent hip, dreaming of the day when I could be a mother myself one day. Baby dolls were MY baby! I was drawn to kids, and chose summer jobs babysitting, and even became a nanny after graduating highschool. An experience I’m so thankful for. With my family history I was a part of a stable home environment. I soaked it in and learned so much about healthy family dynamics.
My entry into mother hood came at 21, with baby girl number 1, not altogether planned or unplanned! I was thrilled and fell naturally into the transition. So well it went that we planned on another, and baby girl number 2 was born just barely two years after. Busy times!
I had envisioned having 4 children, 2 close in age, a space, and two more close in age. Imagine my surprise when I realized my husband was in essence a 3rd child. He required so much emotional managing, and effort to keep him happy, not causing blow ups etc. Partnered together with the fact I worked 3-4 days a week, I decided that any more kids would be more than I or my marriage could take on. At 25 I had a tubal ligation. Not taken lightly, but not 100% my hearts desire to be done. I woke up from surgery with tears in my eyes, and a sadness it was over.
I embraced life with my two daughters, and have enjoyed raising and loving them more than I could ever express. They are unique and opposite, so loving of each other. Best friends. Everyday they come home from highschool and head to ones room, or the dining room table to catch up and talk. Blessed I am. They never fight!
Done babies at 25. But not feeling done in my heart. What does this lead to? Surrogacy, egg donation, and a tubal reversal.
Marriage at 19. Largely guided by ‘Gods Will’ and powerful hormones kept at bay by the ‘waiting for marriage’ stance.
We were married for ten years, and two daughters came from our union. At 29 I looked back at the broken path of passive agressive behavior, negativity, counselling attempts, trying, trying, and trying more. I realized in our last sessions of counselling that my husband was not able to change his behavior, that he was stuck in that pattern that was so destructive. I realize now he was a dry drunk, sometimes described as worse than a drunk. At ten years I realized I could not do it for another ten years. My mental health was being affected. So began the process of separating and divorce.
Do I regret the young marriage? And truly I can’t regret something that resulted in my greatest gifts. I certainly look back and make many observations though.
Observations that don’t add much value in today’s life for me. It’s in the past, and I have put it there. I focus on the here & now, and the future.
Here & now, our daughters are 14&16. They see their dad infrequently as he has addiction & health issues. I’m supportive and understanding of those issues, and encourage my daughters to love him despite his failings, but to have healthy boundaries & expectations. Not always easy to be sure. But it is our path. It sometimes strikes me that I failed to give my children what I envisioned. However I realize I have given them so much more, strength to stand alone & to be in healthy relationship. Or no relationship. They make astute observations about boys and behaviors. I know they will stumble (we all do!) into relationships and out, but they are so smart already, I can imagine they know more than I did at 19 getting married!