Jesus Freak

I have often used this term to describe myself. As it so total encapsulates what my teen years were for me.

Moving to ontario from eastern Canada came with a chance to start over. Life with my mother had been at best, unstable. At its worse abusive and definitely not safe.

My dad in the intervening years of my birth, to the age of 12 had been non existent. At 12 my mother I think sensed I needed to know my father, and possibly saw him as an out for herself and my care. Something that never occurred to me until today. We had serious issues my mother and I, I was placed in foster care at one point. So maybe she thought down the road she could send me his way? Who knows.. but in any event at 13 I arrived on his door step! I could go into the hurt around my mothers decision to chose my abuser over me, but I realized many years ago, she did the best she could. And while it was not nearly enough, it was her best. And I would NEVER have become the person I am today had I stayed with her. NEVER. So in a strange twist, I’m actually thankful she sent me away, and I was given a chance at a different life. Forgiveness came for her in that realization, and I’m thankful to her.

There’s much to be said about my father. I lived with him for 2years. And at 15, became a foster child again, and on my own, renting an apartment at 16. I haven’t heard from him since I was 21. At the end of the day though, I recognize 2 things. First, him opening his home changed the course of my life MAJORLY. Two, no matter what happened after I came to his home, he supported my choice of faith, always driving me to church and counselling. He was a huge disappointment, if I’m honest. Despite that, I have to give credit to the fact without him or those two years, I would NOT be here, who I am today. So I’m thankful to him as well, for that.

So onto the Jesus Freak years.. I was immediately upon arriving in Ontario brought to church. A Pentecostal Holy Spirit filled church. Overwhelming and nothing like I had ever seen. I spent about 6 months observing and not buying into it even a bit. I was attending Sunday services and Friday youth nights. I think I had attended church a grand total of maybe 2x in life before this! A girl in my youth group who had befriended me suggested camp for a week. I’d never been to camp, and figured that could be fun? Ever seen the documentary Jesus Camp? Pretty much what I saw & experienced! Mid week as I sat back and reflected on what I saw around me, and the love for God those youth had, life changing love, I decided I wanted in. I made my way up to the front, and accepted Jesus. This changed the course of my life. To this point, my up bringing so messed up, I assumed things like, teenage pregnancy, affairs, abuse, multiple marriages etc were all part of my future. Crazy eh? That was the normal around me.. so I expected that to be my life. That fateful night I chose to make a different life and path. I chose healing of my heart, counselling, forgiveness and a life nobody expected for me. Every time the doors opened at my church I was there!

My childhood had been colored by the fact I was an unexpected pregnancy and very often unplanned for. Passed around by family members, and abused because nobody was paying attention. Although my mom wanted me and chose to have me, she at many crucial times chose others and other things. I was told I wasn’t wanted by my dad etc. However, I was planned by God, and very cared for. That gave me immeasurable healing, and gave me purpose to embrace life with a certainty and purpose.

Through foster care & living on my own, I kept strong in my faith and trusting God to care for me, and guide me. I didn’t do the usual teen experiences, no drinking, or partying, saved myself for marriage etc. I went to school, work, church, counselling, repeat! I was blessed with a great support network of friends & church.

I look back on those years and am profoundly thankful for their effect on my life and who I am today. It was radical faith, but it provided a sharp turning from all I had learned was normal. I have explained it to people, as the only way to change the course so drastically was to go so opposite! Today my faith is a much more balanced faith, and real life faith. I identify as a believer.

At 17, I met my first husband, and the father to my two daughters. I was married at 19.. craziness! But waiting til you are married to have sex, kinda pushes that to the forefront. At the time I would never have recognized that, but today I definitely think hormones push those decisions in churches! No regrets though.. none at all. Those years all led to today.. and today’s a great day. A very blessed day.

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Early Years – Soap Opera Start!

Where does one start there story of who they are? What they are about? I feel as though I can’t tell the story without giving some thought to where it all started. My beginnings were the stuff made of soap opera life, and couldn’t be made up if you tried. I was an unexpected pregnancy to a 21yr old girl who had been told she couldn’t have children. The unexpected miracle (as she saw it) meant she thought this was her one chance at being a mother, and she was having me no matter what my father wanted. He didn’t want her to, and he demanded an abortion, things were pretty rough for them there after. I was born early after a fight my parents had, my mom tells the story of it being physical in nature and it ending with my birth. Life was tough on her own with me, as my dad was no where to be found. So my mom took me back to Eastern Canada, her home province, and never looked back at Ontario. Or him. I wasn’t to return to my father or ontario until I was 13. In the intervening years I was adopted by an aunt, returned to my mom, sexually abused by 3 (yes 3) family members, and in short barely survived emotionally and mentally my childhood. The last abuser was my step father, my mom made the fateful choice to send me to away rather than deal with the abuse. What I feel was an unthinkable choice by her, changed the course of my life, and I’m profoundly thankful for how life was changed in that choice. I will never understand or condone the choice, but I see how life was changed by it. And for that I’m thankful. Lots can be said and told about those years, I’ve touched on 10% of the story, that certainly shaped who I became today. However it does not define me, I have never wanted that. I fought against my flawed childhood reflexes into dysfunction. Promiscuity, attention seeking behavior, bad decisions etc. How does one fight against that? For me I embraced faith hard and fast. I went extreme into a life I had never known before. A life that promised redemption, healing and so much more. Those years, my teen years, are I guess called the Jesus Freak years? More to come..

My story..

It’s time to tell a story. My story. I’ve been an avid reader of blogs.. for more time than I like to admit. It’s just hard to know where to start the story. It’s long.. and of course many different people are part of the story.. Gah I’m thinking a who am I post.. that might be as good a place as any?

Yesterday’s Musings

In lieu of a today.. I’m going to do a yesterday I..

 
Yesterday I learned a thing or two about patience (I’m not very), and how I can plan for people who test my patience (books will never let you down) and that when you aren’t feeling it.. it’s ok to bail and go for drinks!
 
Last night I was invited to a concert by a good friend. She’s always late. Once when I invited her for waffles at 10am, she showed up at 12, thinking that was fine.  It was Sunday afternoon and all.  So when she told be to be ready for 630 I knew that was laughable.. we’d never be early for a 7pm show! However I was sitting on the step at 625 (I’m always early)  with a book.  I was happy to get a 35 minute reading session in. Ya, she came at 710! She lost the tickets after working late.. no big deal! We were off!  Concert was ok.. opening act was the highlight for us.. ya we caught that still.. well the last 3 songs 😉  Once the headlining local band got started I  was struck with the thought ‘I wish we could just get to the going for drinks after part of the night’  I was pleasantly surprised when my gf at the first set break said ‘yep that’s my appearance – lets get out of here’  yay! After I got home I thought.. yep that was a good night.. we weren’t feeling it so we seized the moment and made it our own!
 
I’m so looking forward to the weekend.  I’m off and we have not much planned. Love that. So so much.

 

TrueLove

True Love

 
I had this conversation today with a co worker who us struggling with a relationship she is in.  She’s divorced.. as am I.. 2x over.  I spoke to her about the need to be true to herself, FIRST. True to her convictions and what she believes to be true for a successful relationship. I believe strongly that if we are true to ourselves, the potential for someone to come along and be true to us.. is much larger. Then true love can come. Its  the old adage.. we teach people how to treat us.  Maybe that’s not old.. Dr.Phil said it? I don’t even like him, but something’s are obviously true he says.  I have dated a fair bit, and learned much from that, as well as my marriages.  I’m still learning, and will never stop, of that I’m sure! However I do know I need to be true to myself and what I hold valuable in relationships.  Or I can’t ask that in a partner. I won’t be surprised if this relationship doesn’t make it.. I don’t think this guys got it in him for trueness.. he’s got a thing for dating and chatting up the next pretty girl who strolls by!

Day 3

Today I felt : Exceptionally tired.. slept awful! 
 
Today I learned :  Proper procedure for when a at risk resident goes missing.. or we think is missing.  Being a union representative is not something I overly enjoy.  Somehow as secretary I get called into action to often for my liking.  
 
Today I want to remember : The importance of doing not much.  I have watched 4 episodes of mad men.. and I’m loving the state I’m in.. on my couch.. doing not to much.  Yay me. 
 
Today was beautiful because :  I felt special.  My fella stopped by my work for a quick minute.. to say hi and steal some love. He was working late, and would not have seen me otherwise today.  He’s not been someone who has been overly sappy or sentimental so these little moments mean a lot.  They are happening more and more as we move into permanence and a deeper trust in our future.  I’m loving it.
 
Tomorrow I want : To be less plugged in.  I did ok today.. set a goal.. and I made it.  I’m going to keep at it.  I feel like my phone is my pacifier against boredom and my own thoughts at times. 

Aside

Day 2
 
Today I felt : Motivated. The first day of school still has that effect on me at 36 I guess! 
 
Today I learned :  I learned how easy pork tenderloin is to make.. YUM!
 
Today I want to remember : How excited my girls were to be back in school.  How grown up they seem.  Not like little girls anymore.
 
Today was beautiful because : I’m happy.. content.. and thankful. Feels beautiful. 
 
Tomorrow I want : To be more present.. less plugged in.

Day One

Today I felt : Today I started feeling out of sorts. I’m ending the day feeling more settled and sure.

 
Today I want to remember : It was a day of building and planning future life.
 
Today was beautiful because : It felt like things are coming together and I’m working as part of a team.